PAM

For what I like to consider the feminist in me, I hate to admit I am working on being content when Brent is gone. I think I was spoiled with always having a constant companion since I befriended and roomed with Kate for 5 years. I also think it’s a little bit healthy for me to admit and work on this since I border on the emotionally detached side of things (I know, shocking, right?). Tonight, though, I thought about Pam while I was watching Tift. I actually cried a little (yet another reason it’s okay to see concerts alone – see above). What I missed tonight about Pam is that she did for me what being alone this weekend and going to concert has also done for me. She grounded me in who I was and made me feel okay about it. I have found that I’ve floundered around this year trying to remember that. Pam had the ability to sit at the kitchen table with you and be real in a way that made you more real. It was impossibly to be inauthentic with Pam. I needed her to do that for me a lot of the time. I sort of feel like I don’t know how to be authentic without Pam to bring that out in me. I am working on that, but it is an added challenge without the one who brought you back to who you were. And I guess perhaps the measure of a true friend: one you can remind you of exactly who you are because they know, no matter who you are trying to be, exactly who you are. Tonight I missed my friend who grounded me. Daily, actually, I miss that friend. This is just one of the things I missed about her tonight.